You are a Nerd If...

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

Murphy's Laws Of Combat

- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.

- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...

15. I'll have what the Captain's having...

16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...