incredibly dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

dog rules

1. 1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
   2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
   3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
   4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
   5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
   6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
   7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
   8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
   9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
   10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

B.O.O.K

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

You are a Nerd If...

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

Murphy's Laws Of Combat

- If the enemy is in range, so are you.

- Incoming fire has the right of way.

- Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

- There is always a way.

- The easy way is always mined.

- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

- Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.

- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

- If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

- The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

- A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

- If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

- Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

- Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

- If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

- When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...

15. I'll have what the Captain's having...

16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even thoughit sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the sideof the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midstof a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. Thestorm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, gotin the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobodybehind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road andsaw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging forhis life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appearedthrough the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed withterror, watched howthe hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John sawthe lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumpedout of the car and ran to it.Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shotsof tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horribleexperience he went through.A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he wascrying and....wasn't drunk.About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeingJohn Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look,Bruce.. here's the F*cking idiot that got in the car while wewere pushing it."

success

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

The Old Poodle

A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

1895 Eighth Grade Final Exam

Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an 8th grade education?
Well, check this out. - - - This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, KS, USA.
It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th GRADE FINAL EXAM
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no Modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of lie, lay and run
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8 Find bank discount on $300 for! 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U. S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U. S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, sub vocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall &Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.


Also notice that the exam took five hours to complete.
Gives the saying "she/he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?What happened to us? It is kind of humbling, isn't it ?

old indian

An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" Nobody answered him. He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" And again nobody answered. The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish." So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. " The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish?" The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down."

rules kids won't learn in school

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

the mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Very curious about this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

great truths about life that kids know

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

great truths about life that kids know

9/11 freaky stuff

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:
"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. the wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.



Try>this and see how you feel afterwards,>it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to",hit one of the Twin Towers.
2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS

FREAKY!?!??!?!

The Child and the Slave

Talmud, Bava Batra 10a


Turnusrufus asked Rabbi Akiva: "If your G-d loves the poor, why doesn't He feed them?"

Said Rabbi Akiva to him: "So that we should be saved from purgatory (in the merit of the charity we give)."

Said he to him: "On the contrary: for this you deserve to be punished.

"I'll give you an analogy. This is analogous to a king who got angry at his slave and locked him away in a dungeon, and commanded "If your G-d loves the poor, why doesn't He feed them?" that he not be given to eat or to drink; and a person came along and gave him to eat and to drink. When the king hears of this, is he not angry at that person? And you are called slaves, as it is written (Leviticus 25:55) 'The Children of Israel are My slaves.'"

Said Rabbi Akiva to him: "I'll give you an analogy.

"This is analogous to a king who got angry at his child and locked him away in a dungeon, and commanded that he not be given to eat or to drink; and a person came along and gave him to eat and to drink. When the king hears of this, does he not reward that person?

"And we are G-d's children, as it is written (Deuteronomy 14:1) 'You are children of the L-rd your G-d.'"

school jokes

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

family bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"

at 10:13 on thursday 02 of june 2005 i made my first post and on sunday the 20th of august 2005 i made my 100th post and now on Friday the 20th of January 2006 I make my 200th post(it is also the 200th visit to this site)

REMEMBER

It was 1987! At a lecture the other day they were playing an old news video of Lt.Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration. There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning! He was being drilled by a senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?" Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir." The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?" "No, sir," continued Ollie. "No? And why not?" the senator asked. "Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir." "Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned. "By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered. "Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?" "His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied. At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked. "Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of", Ollie answered. "And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator. "Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth." The senator disagreed with this approach, and that was all that was shown of the clip. By the way, that senator was Al Gore!

Also: Terrorist pilot Mohammad Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners." However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands, The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released.
Thus Mohammad Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports. If you agree that the American public should be made aware of this fact, pass this on

Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool, back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was a guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!"

coincidence?

YEAR: 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

YEAR: 2005 1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

expresions explained #2

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in "straight laced," wore a tightly tied lace.

--- Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

--- Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

--- At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term minding your "P's and Q's."

Just in case your hut is on fire...

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for G-d to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger.
He cried out, G-d! How could you do this to me?

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! How did you know I was here? asked the weary man of his rescuers.
We saw your smoke signal, they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because G-d is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground.
It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of G-d.

watch out

Don't eat Beef, Mad cow....

Don't eat chicken, bird flu

Don't eat eggs .. Salmonella

Don't eat pork .. fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Don't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat

Don't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"

john the new guy

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

the kid

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'. The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said. 'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'. 'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'. 'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.

the old lady

This might be a little lengthy, certainly something you've heard before, but DEFINITELY worthy of another read.Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a singlelight in a ground floor window.. Under these circumstances, manydrivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis astheir only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled ofdanger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who
This might be a little lengthy, certainly something you've heard before, but DEFINITELY worthy of another read.Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a singlelight in a ground floor window.. Under these circumstances, manydrivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis astheir only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled ofdanger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone whoneeds my assistance, I reasoned to myself.So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered afrail, elderly ! voice.I could hear something being dragged across the floor.After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stoodbefore me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veilpinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if noone had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered withsheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on thecounters.In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.>"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcaseto the cab, then returned to assist the woman.She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.She kept thanking me for my kindness."It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the wayI would want my mother treated"."Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?""It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly."Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening."I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I
don't have very long."I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would youlike me to take?" I asked.For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had livedwhen they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said,"I'm tired. Let's go now." We drove in silence to the address she had given me.It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.The woman was already seated in a wheelchair."How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse."Nothing," I said."You have to make a living," she answered."There are other passengers," I responded.Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held! on to me tightly."You gave an old woman a little moment of joy ," she said."Thank you."I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in wha tothers may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
Every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself thatit is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a giftfrom God."If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?"I will remember all of you always.

An Addict in Our Home

My 22-year-old son David is tall, handsome, bright and charming. He is also an alcoholic and a drug addict.David was brought up in our Orthodox Jewish home in Queens, where he was active in Jewish causes. He discovered an interest in drinking, as my wife and I learned recently, when he was ten years old. Over the next few years, he developed a growing affinity for alcohol and added marijuana and other drugs during his last two years of yeshivah high school. When he stayed overnight with friends -- ostensibly, to study -- he was actually engaging in drugging and drinking. David was eventually kicked out of two yeshivos.
During his adolescence, we thought he suffered from personality disorders, and sent him to a succession of psychologists. David was able to fool them as well as he fooled us. Unfortunately, no school guidance counselor, teacher or psychologist ever suggested to us the potential source of the problem. There is no more adept liar, we learned, than an alcoholic or drug addict; and yeshivah administrators and school psychologists often are not familiar with substance abuse or its occurrence in the Orthodox community.The relationship between my wife and myself was often strained due to David, with each of us accusing the other of being responsible for his behavior. The anguish was sometimes unbearable. We tried to hide David's problems from our other children and from our extended family, without much success.After high school, David went to Israel to study in a yeshivah that dealt with troubled boys. David didn't last past Sukkos. Upon returning from the holiday recess, he was kicked out for reportedly smoking hashish. After reviewing the situation with my wife, I quickly took a flight to Israel. Upon my arrival, David told me that he had only tried hashish once and was being thrown out as an example. I had no success in convincing the yeshivah administrators to accept him back. At the time, we were angry with them. Today, we have come to understand that they were not the address for helping boys like David.We were given guidance by a Jerusalem rabbi, Moshe Prager (real name), an unusual, personable, and dedicated Karliner Chassid from America who devotes his life to helping boys like David. On his advice, David applied and was accepted to a well-known baal teshuvah yeshivah and I returned to the United States. After one month, David was asked to leave because the school was not equipped to deal with people from religious backgrounds, even though David had behaved reasonably during his stay.
David spent the next few months wandering around Jerusalem, sleeping in school dormitories, friends' houses and youth hostels. Eventually, he volunteered to work in a non-religious kibbutz near Tiberius. He told us drugs were forbidden there. (He informed us later that he and some other volunteers bypassed this restriction by going to Tiberius a few nights a week to buy hashish.) We were very disappointed that David was now totally non-observant. We did hope, however, that the hard physical work in the banana fields would turn him around.When David returned to America three years ago, we had to confront almost the worst nightmare a parent can face. David was in hell already; we were about to join him there.My friend Robert was the first to make us fully aware of the true scope of David's problems. He is a well-respected religious therapist, some of whose patients suffer from alcoholism. His support and sage advice helped us through many difficult nights.David asked to meet with him to discuss his problems. Robert notified us that David had a raging drug problem and recommended that we speak to Barry Wilansky (real name), executive director of the Tempo Group in Woodmere, New York. Tempo provides outpatient services to alcoholics and drug addicts and also runs support groups for family members.David agreed to attend weekly group meetings at Tempo, while we were encouraged to join a family support group. In a recent letter to his younger sister, David described his feelings at that stage: When I used to meet people, I would try and see if they were like me, a drug addict. If people weren't, I mostly attempted to see what I could get from them, whether it was their money or their pity. The alcoholism almost killed me.Physically, there were many times when I should have died of alcohol poisoning or an overdose of drugs. Spiritually, I was bankrupt. It felt like there was nothing for me in life and that the only way to get through another miserable period of time was to get drunk enough or high enough till it would go away. This became harder and harder as time went on.
Alcoholism is truly a family disease. David's sickness was mirrored in our family: He was in a state of denial and we were in denial; he was suffering and we were suffering. Our nerves were raw and many a night we cried ourselves to sleep. We went through all the emotions of terror, shame, humiliation and disbelief. But we never gave up, even at the worst moments. We were dogged; we remembered the sweet child David had been, and we were determined that somehow or other things would turn out all right.At this point, David was supposedly attending a local college and living with friends near the school. He lived in a pigsty of an apartment with other similar boys. He was completely non-observant, confrontational and irritable. He never disclosed to us how he spent his time and constantly badgered us for money. Eventually, we found out he was supporting himself and his habit by gambling on sports with bookies at the college.David intermittently attended group meetings at Tempo and was tested for drug use. I remember vividly one parent support group meeting when the group leader, a social worker, asked us how David was doing. I replied that he seemed to be behaving a little better. She then told the group that David had recently tested positive for cocaine. I started screaming at her.How dare she announce that in front of the entire group? I was totally agitated. After all, how could a young boy from a religious, successful, respected family become an alcoholic and a drug addict?With the help of the dedicated professionals at Tempo, we started to learn about the "disease" of addiction. If 10 teenagers were to experiment with marijuana, nine of them might enjoy it but would not develop an incessant craving for it. The tenth, however, might be genetically predisposed to develop a chemical dependency. We learned that this disease is viewed like diabetes -- you can learn to live with it, but there is no cure.
We learned of the ability of human beings to develop addictions to a wide-ranging group of mood-changing substances. Some of them are socially acceptable, like alcohol, Valium, pain killers and sleeping pills. Keep in mind that substances like alcohol can take years to build up to a level affecting daily functioning.Other substances, such as crack, may take only a few months.What could we parents do? We learned at the group how to deal with a member of the family who is an addict. The addict continues to need the family, because eventually, no one else will assist him or her. Parents normally try to help and support their children; addicts require the opposite treatment. We learned about acting in ways that we previously thought would be hurtful, but were now actually acts of love and kindness. The natural tendency to "enable" them financially and otherwise must be totally ended. For example, we could not allow ourselves to assist David with money to rent an apartment, because the money would go for drugs. Only when the addict hits rock-bottom is there a chance he will take stock of himself.Unfortunately, no one can define that bottom. One can only hope and pray they reach it before the disease kills them. We did learn, however, to seek out leverage to raise the bottom before tragedy struck.Six months after becoming involved with Tempo, we were advised that outpatient treatment was not working for David. I will never forget the afternoon of October 3, 1995. At a family meeting with David and Barry Wilanksy, we told David that he had two choices -- either immediately go to an alcohol and drug rehabilitation center, or leave the room and never see us again!
We were tense and emotionally drained because we didn't know what answer to expect.It had taken us six months to reach this point. We weren't bluffing: we meant every word and David knew it. We couldn't enable him to continue his senseless existence and we had to make the hardest decision for a parent -- before he killed himself.David agreed to go. The Tempo staff arranged for him to join an excellent program at a rehab center in the Midwest. Within two days he was on the plane. We concealed his journey from our friends and family with various concocted stories. His Bubby was especially agitated by his behavior and it was difficult to hide the situation from her.David later told us it took him six weeks at the rehab center to admit to himself that he was truly addicted. He stayed in the center for four months full-time, one month in a volunteer work program and one month in a halfway house. He then decided to remain in the town, attending outpatient meetings and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) groups. Many of the doctors in the center, which had been founded expressly for the treatment of health-care professionals, were themselves recovering alcoholics and/or addicts. Substance abuse cuts across all ethnic, religious and socioeconomic boundaries.During a family visit to the rehab center, David related his history of substance abuse in its entirety at a group meeting.The patients in the room included doctors, lawyers, housewives, nurses, factory workers and our son. When I asked the social worker why each visiting family had been provided with a box of tissues, she told us they would be necessary. She was right.The tears flowed, first in choked sobs, then more freely, as each patient related in detail -- to their family members and the group -- his or her history of substance abuse.This was all part of the recovery process. We learned that some alcoholics began at the age of ten, others at the age of 55. One alcoholic explained that he started each day with a 12-pack of beer. Others spoke of taking enormous quantities of every imaginable pill. (We had never heard of most of them.) All described the trauma they had caused to themselves and their families. Other patients who had heard the stories in prior group meetings were assigned to interrupt if the patient prevaricated.As we sat among the group, David described his entire odyssey to us for the first time. We were requested not to interrupt until he finished. We learned that the fact that we had not realized that he had an alcohol and drug problem until years after it began was typical of most families of substance abusers. By the end of the session, the tissue boxes were empty.David came back for his first visit home a few months later. In a remarkable move, he visited all of our family and close friends and informed them of his addiction. To our wonderment and gratitude, most of our friends and family were understanding and supportive. David's openness about his affliction removed an enormous burden from our shoulders. We didn't have to be secretive and furtive about his whereabouts and behavior anymore. We could start to recover with David. We finally were able to explain the situation to his Bubby, and though she found it difficult to comprehend, she was supportive.In some ways, David is mature beyond his years; he has learned to take one day at a time. In other ways, he gropes to understand the world around him. Coming out of his drug-induced stupor, he has had to rediscover himself; and that includes his religion, his family and his community. Thank God, he has passed these self-examinations successfully.Two years later, David's recovery continues. He attends college and was recently offered a position as a clinical assistant at the treatment center he had attended. His estrangement from Jewish observance has lessened. In fact, he was asked by the local community to teach Bar Mitzvah lessons and he instructs a group of five people in the intricacies of laining the weekly Torah portion. Rabbi Prager of Jerusalem recently visited him and informed us that he was amazed at his progress.David's story is not his alone. A 55-year-old man from a large Orthodox community recently enrolled in the treatment center. His alcoholism and crack addiction had been exacerbated by drinking at a weekly "Kiddush Club" during the Shabbos services.When I read the first draft of this article to another couple -- close friends of ours -- they abruptly stopped me in the middle to call in their "yeshivish" son. They suddenly realized that his intense interest in drinking at Purim and Pesach might mask a deeper problem. In the discussion, he admitted that he drank up to half a bottle of whiskey at holidays or when he felt tense, a total of perhaps 15 times. Having gone the course and having no illusions about addiction's tenacity, I probed the young man, with his parents' permission. His drinking problem turned out to be serious and he had already started taking drugs to satisfy his cravings.Our community must realize that the curse of addiction can occur in any family -- even an Orthodox one -- and in any yeshivah. It happened in ours. I believe the road to recovery lies in recognizing the symptoms and dealing with them honestly, no matter the pain. Help is available.People tend to believe that addicts can beat the disease if they are disciplined enough. The otherwise successful professionals we met during the family visit to the rehab center belie this seemingly logical point. As a general rule, if you can beat the craving yourself, you're not truly addicted.
The 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous directs the addict to the path of spiritual growth necessary to counter-balance the addictive craving.The 12-step program stresses belief in a Higher Power and turning to God for help. Working within a group of peers, this approach guides the sufferer out of the wasteland of addiction towards a plateau of spiritual serenity.
When the alcoholic and addict work with the program assiduously, they are on the road to recovery.For the rest of his life, David will drink grape juice in place of wine for Kiddush. For the rest of his life, he will be wary of any medicine containing a mood-changing ingredient.David continues to attend AA meetings on a regular basis; his sponsor and mentor is also a yeshivah graduate. We thank God every day for David's grappling with the disease of addiction and his accomplishments, though the time lost has left its scars.For the rest of his life, we wish David the blessings of spiritual growth and continuing recovery. The author wishes to remain anonymous. Names and places mentioned in this article are fictitious, except where noted. All else is true. "David" reviewed the article and gave his permission for its publication.

"Never argue with an IDIOT, they will bring you down to their level and beat you at it with experience!"

a young man learns whats important

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him. Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days. "Jack, did you hear me?" "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said. "Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him. "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said. "You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said. As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly. "What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said "What box?" Mom asked. "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom." It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser." "The thing he valued most was...my time" Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. "I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!" "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away," Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true. 1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you. 2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. 3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. 4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. 5. You mean the world to someone. 6. If not for you, someone may not be living. 7. You are special and unique. 8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better. 9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it. 10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world. 11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. 12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks. 13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy. 14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. Send this letter to all the people you care about, if you do so, you will certainly brighten someone's day and might change their perspective on life...for the better. To everyone I sent this to"Thanks for your time"

moshiach jokes

A Jew comes home from synagogue and tells his wife: “They say the Messiah is coming any day, and will take us all to Israel.”
The wife becomes hysterical. “Oh no! It would be terrible. It took years till we could finally move into this neighborhood and buy the house we wanted. Now we’ve spent a fortune fixing it up. I don’t want the Messiah to take us away.”
“Okay, okay, don’t worry,” the husband says. “We survived Pharaoh, we survived Haman. With G-d’s help, we’ll survive the Messiah too!”


Two people waiting at a bus stop, and the bus is taking a long time to come. One person turns to the other and says “We have been waiting so long for this bus! It is like waiting for the Moshiach!”
The other responds, “Not at all! The Messiah will definitely come eventually; as for the bus...”


A man visits a zoo and is taken to the lion’s cage. He witnesses there the literal fulfillment of 1saiah prophecy — a lion and a calf in a cage together.
Amazed, he calls over an attendant. “How long have you had a lion an a calf in a cage together?” “Over a year already.”
“How do you do it?”
“It’s easy. Every morning we put in a new calf.”


According to one medieval folktale, two men arrived in a Yemenite town and told the inhabitants that the Messiah was arriving that night and would transport them all to Israel. The people were instructed to remain on their roofs the entire night, but Moshiach did not come. In the morning, when they went down from the roofs, the strangers were gone -- as well as the townspeople's possessions.


A Rabbi once told his congregants:
When Moshiach comes there will be a long line, with everybody rushing to greet him”.
I, however will not rush. To the contrary, I’ll try to be last on line. “When my turn comes Moshiach will ask me: “R. Mendel! Where were you until now?!” I will reply: “Moshiach, Where were you until now?!

new york protest

I'll be happy when...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with ...
and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting .
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's watching.

the parot

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Shammos in the shul 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

the parot

jewish samuai

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials: ....a Japanese Samurai ....a Chinese Samurai ....and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his razor sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai; for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh! ....But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously very disappointed in this display, said: "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

the great debate

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

neighbours

Mrs. Feldman was getting acquinted with her new neighbor, Mrs. Johnson when Mrs. Johnson asked, "How old are your boys?" The doctor is five and the lawyer is three" replied Mrs. Feldman.

paycheck

A man left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck without telling his wife. When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling. Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

email

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Michigan man who left the snow-filled streets of Detroit for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here

marriage advice from kids

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if youlike sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.* Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.* Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?Both don't want any more kids.* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get toknow each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.* Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.* Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?When they're rich.* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.* Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.* Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.! I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.* Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.* Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?* Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like atruck.* Ricky, age 10

Abbott and costello learn hebrew

Abbott: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
Costello: I'm ready to learn.
Abbott: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
Costello: Sure, I understand.
Abbott: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
Costello: How stupid do you think I am - don't answer that. It's simple - some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same thing.
Abbott: Precisely.
Costello: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
Abbott: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
Costello: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
Abbott: Fine. Let's start with mee.
Costello: You.
Abbott: No, mee.
Costello: Fine, we'll start with you.
Abbott: No, we'll start with mee.
Costello: Okay, have it your way.
Abbott: Now, mee is who.
Costello: You is Abbott.
Abbott: No, no, no. Mee is who.
Costello: You is Abbott.
Abbott: You don't understand.
Costello: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
Abbott: Yes I did. Mee is who.
Costello: You is Abbott.
Abbott: No, you misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
Costello: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
Abbott: No, no. Tell me about mee!
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Precisely.
Costello: Precisely what?
Abbott: Precisely who.
Costello: It's precisely whom!
Abbott: No, mee is who.
Costello: Don't start that again - go on to something else.
Abbott: All right. Who is he.
Costello: Who is he?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I don't know. Who is he?
Abbott: Sure you do. You just said it.
Costello: I just said what?
Abbott: Who is he.
Costello: Who is he?
Abbott: Precisely.
Costello:Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
Abbott: No, precisely he.
Costello: Precisely he? Who is he?
Abbott: Precisely!
Costello: And what about me?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: me, me, me!
Abbott: Who, who, who!
Costello: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
Abbott: No, who is he!
Costello: I don't know, maybe he is me!
Abbott: No, hee is she!
Costello: Do his parents know about this?
Abbott: About what?
Costello: About her!
Abbott: What about her?
Costello: That she is he!
Abbott: No, you've got it wrong - hee is she!
Costello: Then who is he?
Abbott: Precisely!
Costello: Who?
Abbott: He!
Costello: Me?
Abbott: Who!
Costello: He?
Abbott: She!
Costello: Who is she?
Abbott: No, who is he.
Costello: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
Abbott: No, that's not right.
Costello: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: Who
Abbott: Precisely!
Costello: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
Abbott: No, hee is she!
Costello: Wait a minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
Abbott: Go ahead.
Costello: Now first you want to know me is who.
Abbott: Correct.
Costello: And then you say who is he.
Abbot: Absolutely.
Costello: And then you tell me he is she.
Abbott & Costello: Precisely!
Costello: Now look at this logically. If me is who, and who is he, and he is she, don't it stand to reason that me is she?
Abbott: Who?
Costello: She!
Abbott: That is he!
Costello: Who is he?
Abbott & Costello: Precisely!
Costello: I have just about had it. You have me so confused that I just want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
Abbott: What.
Costello: I said Ma.
Abbott: What.
Costello: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
Abbott: What!
Costello: Not what, who!
Abbott: He!
Costello: Not he! Ma is not he!
Abbott: Of course not! Who is he!
Costello: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
Abbott: Fish.
Costello: Fish?
Abbott: Dag is fish. Costello: That's all, I'm outa here.

A Quiz For People Who Think They Know Everything

(1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.
(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"
(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.
(11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."--> Scroll down for the answers.
Don't cheat!


"Answers To Quiz"1. Boxing.2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.3. Asparagus and rhubarb.4. Baseball.5. Strawberry.6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.11. Lettuce.12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings....Well, now you know! Feel any smarter?

how to waste time time at work

1. “Morning Routine”
This requires accurate timing on the part of the individual to get to work right on time, and not too early, so as to maximize the amount of actual “on the clock” time being wasted. So come into work, say all your obligatory hello’s, hang up your coat, log-in to your computer, go grab a cup of coffee, come sit back down and get situated because you have an entire day ahead of you with plenty of opportunities to strategically waste time. Total time wasted: 10 minutes

2. Breakfast
A lot of people prefer to eat breakfast at home before coming to work – this is wrong. The great thing about eating breakfast at work is that you can do it at your desk, so if the boss walks by he or she will see that you’re in the office on time and ready to work, but at this very moment you’re indisposed because you’re eating and any business-related matters he or she wants to speak to you about can wait till you’re finished. I usually stick with something cheap and simple like oatmeal. Go to the supermarket and buy a large container of it that you can keep in one of those random desk drawers that you just stuff papers in, you know the ones, where struggling attorneys hide their bottles of bourbon, because you don’t really have enough important stuff to make use of all those drawers anyway. You can also do the variety pack of cereal or the muffin/bagel/egg sandwich that you purchase on the way to work.
Now, if you’re really lucky, your office will have its own cafeteria, preferably on a different floor. In this case you can come into work, do your “morning routine”, then go to the cafeteria and buy breakfast to bring back to your desk to consume. The benefit of having a cafeteria in your office is the travel time wasted going to and coming from the cafeteria. Depending on where it is relative to your work space this can be as much as 10 minutes of time wasted in one round-trip alone. Nice!!! Total time wasted: 15 minutes (at least)

3. Water
Drinking close to a gallon of water a day is a great way to stay healthy and waste plenty of time at work. The best way to do this and not be too obvious about it is to buy one of those colorful, screw-top, unbreakable plastic water jugs. I own a red one that stores up to 34 oz of water. This equals four daily trips of: walking to the water cooler, the actual filling of the bottle, the generic office banter/exchanging of pleasantries with co-workers while standing at the cooler, the cursory taking a sip and casually looking around your office while nodding after your jug’s been filled, and, finally, the walk back to your desk/cubicle/office. Doing this 3 or 4 times a day isn’t going to arouse as much suspicion from your manager or supervisor as is getting up every fifteen minutes to go to the cooler and drink several tiny paper cups of water. The point is you want to be seen at your desk, looking diligent, as much as is humanly possible – even if you’re actually just sitting there drinking water. Total time wasted: 10 minutes

4. Urinating
Drinking that much water throughout the course of a day really does a number on your bladder. I find that for every 30 oz or so of water I drink I need at least one, sometimes two, trips to the men’s room. This, again, is a great way to waste time, because no one can question where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing – replying, “I’m sorry, I had to use the rest room” ends a boss’s line of questioning IMMEDIATELY. So let’s approximate 5 trips to the rest room per day for the purposes of urinating alone. Now, while in the rest room there are several things you can do to tack on a few precious seconds to your strategic time-wasting – these things include adjusting your necktie, fixing your hair, re-tucking-in your shirt, etc. These are all great little tricks that, when combined, waste up to an extra 5 minutes of your workday and don’t look at all conspicuous to anyone else who may see you doing them in the rest room. What other tricks can you think of?! Total time wasted: 15 minutes

5. Lunch
Lunch should be at least an hour and a half – no exceptions. The trick to getting more than an hour out of your lunch “hour” is to leave for lunch a different time everyday, but always be sure to leave sometime during “lunchtime” and preferably right after you see your boss or one of your superiors leave to go get their lunch. It’s a really simple strategy – say you want to get lunch at 12:30 pm today because you know your manager has a meeting at noon that will probably last about 2 hours. In this case you leave for lunch at 12:15 pm and return a little after 2 pm. If anyone asks any questions you tell them that you left for lunch at 1 pm and no one’s the wiser, as long as you don’t have any snitches in your office that are looking to try and get you in trouble because they know you don’t do anything at work all day. If this is your situation then that’s unfortunate and you’re going to have to be extra careful in your comings and goings. But, a great way to avoid this problem is to leave to get lunch a little later than everyone else, but still during the designated “lunch hour”. I find in my office most people leave to get themselves lunch around noon, so I usually leave around 12:30 pm when most people are still out and I have less chance of being spotted. Total time wasted: 1 hour and 30 minutes (at least)

6. The Half Hour Before and After Lunch
When I said lunch should be over an hour I specifically meant that one should be missing from the office building/surrounding premises for that time interval. There is, of course, the downtime before and after lunch that an expert time-wasting employee can take advantage of, if they’re smart.
The half hour before you leave to go to lunch is probably the most useless stretch of time in the entire workday. No one, not even the people that actually like their jobs, get anything done during this period of time. I use this time to do my online banking and other internet-related things of that nature. The great thing about online banking is all the numbers and “stuff” on the screen look like something you might be working on to the untrained eye when, in reality, we know it’s not, but it just works to your advantage that most managers and supervisors are past their prime and don’t really grasp things like “personal computers” as well as you and your yuppie friends do.
Now, the half hour after lunch can be used for running errands like going to the post office and mailing birthday cards, that you got free postage for by flirting with the gay guy in the mailroom, or picking up your dry cleaning or whatever else you might need to get done that day. Here’s how you accomplish these tasks without getting in trouble – after you’ve finished your lunch come back to your desk and get yourself re-situated. You can do things like waking your computer up or stacking some papers on your desk or writing a few random post-it notes and sticking them to your monitor, etc. Basically you’re trying to do anything and everything to make it look like you’ve just gotten up from your work area a moment earlier and whoever’s looking for you must have just missed you. Darn!
Now, there’s an ingenious deal clincher you can use here to ensure that you’ve got everyone fooled: when you finish your lunch, don’t throw out your trash. Most people do this, “normal” people throw out their trash after they’ve finished eating. This, again, is wrong. Bring your trash back to your cubicle and spread it out at your desk – it makes it look like you ate lunch there and the boss won’t be upset with you if he/she happens to see you coming back into the building with your dry cleaning because you were such a dedicated employee who worked through lunch and only “stepped out” afterward to take care of some semi-urgent personal matters. If, by some miracle, you had already thought to do this before I just told you about it, you may pass Go! and collect two-hundred dollars. Congratulations!
If you don’t have errands to run you can just come back to your desk (with your trash!) and surf the web for 30 minutes or so because, as was just explained, the Arby’s wrappers next to your keyboard make it look like you’ve just finished eating and are still on your lunch “hour”. Total time wasted: 1 hour

7. Defecating
This one should be obvious – 20 minutes at least, even if the actual “act” only takes you 30 seconds (must’ve been the Chinese) – just sit there and relax. Bonus points for multiple bowel movements a day. And, once again, no one can ask any prying questions about what you were doing. You were in “the bathroom”. Total time wasted: between 20 and 30 minutes

8. Snacks
A lot of people don’t bring snacks to or buy snacks while at work. These people are known as “idiots”. No one likes to be bothered while they’re eating, so, if someone sees you eating they’re not going to bother you because they know they wouldn’t want you bothering them when they were trying to enjoy that Snickers bar that they had been saving in the freezer all morning. Got it? Mid-morning snacks and mid-afternoon snacks are a must when you’re trying not to be productive. Total time wasted: 15 minutes

9. The “Internet”
It amazes me how anyone gets anything done, or how bosses expect anyone to get anything done, when nearly all of us now have a world of knowledge at our fingertips. There are a plethora of websites that get updated multiple times a day and which can be looked at in a relatively non-discreet manner. Examples include: cnn.com, SI.com, craigslist.org (the Mecca of a procrastinator’s online universe), and others. Now, these aren’t pages that you can leave up on your computer screen all the time, but it’s very easy to take 5, maybe 10, minutes and peruse their content when you get tired of loading your empty stapler. My girlfriend has a more interactive way of wasting her time through her reading of craigslist’s “Missed Connections”. This is definitely more her thing than mine, but I give her the utmost credit here in knowing how to get the least out of her workday. Good work, honey! Or should it be “Good non-work!”? Total time wasted: 30 minutes

10. BS-ing
This is only acceptable to do with colleagues that do the same thing you do all day – nothing. This is fairly self-explanatory and there isn’t much strategy involved. Just go to one of your buddy’s offices or cubicles and talk about sports or boobs or how little you’ve accomplished so far that day. If you’re a woman talk about your period or chocolate or your cats or whatever else it is that women talk about. The only thing here is to bring some papers or a folder or something “office” looking with you (and a pen!) so if anyone walks by and asks what you “gentleman” (or “ladies”) are “up to” you can say something business-sounding and not, “uh…, nothing…”. Keep the conversation length to a minimum, I’d say no more than 10 minutes, but feel free to do this with a few different people at least 3 times a day. Total time wasted: 30 minutes

11. Emails
This one should also be obvious. Typing emails furiously makes it look like you’re really working hard. I try and keep at least 6 email dialogues per day, Monday through Friday. And, if possible, try and keep a majority of these conversations with females because girls love to chat about “stuff”. Guys are bad at emailing because we don’t have much to say to each other. Most questions guys ask each other require one-, sometimes few-, word answers. Guys are better to call on the phone (local calls only!) because the conversations are quick and can easily go unnoticed. Also, emailing a girl you’re romantically interested in is a great way to court as you’ve got 8 hours to craft and perfect everything you say to her. It’s best to use your work email account to do this because most personal email templates are too colorful and you’re more likely to get caught, but if you have to use a personal account because your work emails are monitored then just be cautious about it. Total time wasted: 1 hour

12. The Half Hour Before You Leave Work
Like the half hour before and after lunch, this time interval is pointless. No one wants to do anything, most people can’t really even concentrate as they’re thinking about their commute or what they’re going to have for dinner or, in my case, where they’re going to get drunk after work and what time they should set their alarm for the next day so as to ensure they can wake up and get into work on time, albeit hung over. I usually use this time to play online games because many people will be leaving, or will already have left, the office and don’t really care what anyone else is doing that late in the day anyway. Total time wasted: 30 minutes

13. Instant Messenger
If you’re lucky enough to have this option at work than you shouldn’t of even had to have read this in the first place because you don’t do shit at work to begin with. Just please make sure to keep the sound muted and have a few work-related windows on your computer monitor available to maximize if the boss man (or boss lady) decides to drop by. Total time wasted: All fucking day. Asshole.

14. Something Like This
I started this thing at 10 am. It is now almost 2 pm. I haven’t done a thing all day and it feels great.

In conclusion:
Total time wasted doing all previously mentioned and discussed activities (minus #13 and #14) is…
Approximately 395 minutes or a little over 6.5 hours!
That means, in a given day, you can get by really only doing an hour and a half of actual work. To some even this seems like a lot, maybe even too much, but you must consider that this equates to 7.5 hours of work a week and you’re getting paid for 40. You’re basically being paid to do nothing 32.5 hours a week. You’re awesome.

57 Things to Know about Israel

On the occasion of Israel's 57th birthday, it is time for us to celebrate how far our nation has come in just over half a century. 57 years ago, we were struggling to keep our young nation alive. Today, we are thriving as a global leader in science, technology, medicine, culture, and much more.

In honor of 57 years, I wanted to share with you 57 of the many contributions that Israel and Israelis have made to the world.

The 100th smallest country, with less than 1/1000th of the world's population, can lay claim to the following
1. The cell phone was first developed at the Motorola plant in Israel.

2. Most of the Windows NT and XP operating systems were developed by Microsoft-Israel.

3. The Pentium MMX Chip technology was designed in Israel at Intel.

4. Both the Pentium-4 microprocessor for desktop computers and the Centrino processor for laptops were entirely designed, developed and produced in Israel.

5. Voice mail technology was developed in Israel. The Israeli company Amdocs is the largest company in the world in this field.

6. Both Microsoft and Cisco built their only foreign-based research and development facilities in Israel.

7. The program ICQ, which is the technological basis for AOL Instant Messenger, was developed in 1996 by four young Israelis.

8. Disk on Key - a portable, virtual hard disk - was developed by the Israeli company M-Systems.

9. Israel has the highest number of personal computers per capita in the world.

10. Israel has the highest number of university degrees per capita in the world.

11. Israel produces more scientific papers per capita than any other nation by a large margin - 109 per 10,000 people - as well as one of the highest per capita rates of patents filed.

12. In proportion to its population, Israel has the largest number of startup companies in the world. In absolute terms, Israel has the largest number of startup companies than any other country in the world, except the US.

13. With more than 3,000 high-tech companies and startups, Israel has the highest concentration of hi-tech companies in the world - apart from Silicon Valley.

14. Israel is ranked #2 in the world for venture capital funds right behind the United States.

15. Outside the United States and Canada, Israel has the largest number of companies listed on NASDAQ.

16. Israel has the highest average living standards in the Middle East.

The per capita income in 2000 was over $17,500, exceeding that of the United Kingdom.

17. On a per capita basis, Israel has the largest number of biotech startups.

18. Twenty four percent of Israel's workforce holds university degrees - ranking third in the industrialized world, after the United States and Holland - and 12 percent hold advanced degrees.

19. Israel has the third highest rate of entrepreneurship - and the highest rate among women and among people over 55 in the world.

20. Relative to its population, Israel is the largest immigrant-absorbing nation on earth.

21. Israel has the world's second highest supply of new books per capita.

22. Israel has more museums per capita than any other country.

23. Israeli scientists developed the first fully computerized, no-radiation diagnostic instrumentation for breast cancer.

24. An Israeli company developed a computerized system for ensuring proper administration of medications, thus removing human error from medical treatment. Every year in U. S. hospitals 7,000 patients die from treatment mistakes.

25. Israel's Given Imaging developed the PillCam - the first ingestible video camera, which is so small it fits inside a pill. Used to view the small intestine from the inside, the camera helps doctors diagnose cancer and digestive disorders.

26. Researchers in Israel developed a new device that directly helps the heart pump blood. The new device is synchronized with the heart's mechanical operations through a sophisticated system of sensors.

27. Israel leads the world in the number of scientists and technicians in the workforce, with 145 per 10,000, as opposed to 85 in the U.S., over 70 in Japan, and less than 60 in Germany.

28. A new acne treatment developed in Israel causes acne bacteria to self-destruct - all without damaging surroundings skin or tissue.

29. An Israeli company was the first to develop and install a large-scale solar-powered and fully functional electricity generating plant in Southern California's Mojave Desert.

30. The first computer anti-virus software package was developed in Israel back in the 1970's.

31. Major law enforcement agencies use Israeli technologies to monitor voices and messages on conventional phones, mobile phones and e-mails.

32. An Israeli company, Teva, is the world's largest generic pharmaceutical company.

33. A new brain implant has been developed in Israel that can lower the risk of stroke by diverting blood clots away from sensitive areas of the brain.

34. IBM scientists in Israel are playing a vital role in a massive project of the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) to discover the origins of life on earth.

35. Israeli software company Check Point is the global leader in Virtual Private Network (VPN) and firewall technologies.

36. Israeli company Elta is responsible for the world's first civilian aircraft equipped with technology designed to protect airliners from a missile attack.

37. Mashav, the Israeli Foreign Ministry's Center for International Cooperation has trained over 200,000 international aid workers that have traveled to dozens of countries to help with medicine, agriculture, disaster relief, and many other issues.

38. Israel has, for many years, held the world record in milk production.

39. Rummikub, the third highest selling board game in the world, is manufactured in a family-run plant in the small southern Israeli town of Arad.

40. Drip irrigation - the system that is based on using plastic pipes that release small amounts of water next to crops or plants - was developed by the Israeli engineer Simcha Blas in the 1970's. The invention caused a revolution in agriculture.

41. A design submitted by Israeli-born Michael Arad has been chosen for the World Trade Center Memorial, from amongst 5,000 entries from around the world.

42. Israeli company Retalix created the grocery scanners used at such stores as Costco, Albertson's, and 7-11, as well as 25,000 additional stores and quick-service restaurants throughout the United States.

43. Primate research at Hebrew University is leading to the development of a robotic arm that can respond to the brain commands of a paralyzed person.

44. Two Israeli researchers are generating cancer-killing molecules that will recognize cancerous cells and target them aggressively, while not affecting normal cells.

45. Israeli researchers developed a novel stem cell therapy to treat Parkinson's Disease - using a patient's own bone marrow stem cells to produce the missing chemical that enables restoration of motor movement.

46. Israeli company Silent Communications has developed a type of silent conversation system for cell phones, so users can carry on conversations without saying a word.

47. The Israeli company Wondernet is currently dominating the world market in document signature authentication, with its unique scientific method of verifying handwritten signatures.

48. Israeli Professor Yehuda Finkelstein has discovered the cause of and cure for halitosis (bad breath).

49. Cherry tomatoes were originally supposed to be a snack when they were designed by a group of scientists led by professor Nahum Keidar from the agriculture faculty at the Weizmann Institute of Science, with the cooperation of the Israeli company Zera.

50. The Quicktionary, a pen size scanner that scans a word or a sentence and translates it to a different language, was developed by the Wizcom Company, based in Jerusalem.

51. Professor Ehud Keinan from the Technion Israel Institute of Technology developed a pen that identifies an improvised explosive.

52. The Israeli company Insightec developed an ultrasound system for removing tumors without surgery.

53. Researchers at the Technion have developed an antibiotic that destroys anthrax bacteria as well as the toxins it secretes into the bloodstream of the infected body.

54. Epilady, an electric hair removal system, was developed by Yair Dar and Shimon Yahav from the Goshrim Kibbutz.

55. The sun-heated water tank, a device that converts solar energy into thermal energy and that saves about 4% of the national energy supply, was developed by an engineer from Jerusalem.

56. Dr. Gal Yadid, Dr. Rachel Mayan, and Professor Abraham Weizman from Bar Ilan University developed a form of drug rehabilitation using a natural steroid that is inserted into the brain and develops a resistance for the drugs.

57. Alon Moses from Hadassah Medical Center in Jerusalem and Imanuel Hensky and Carlos Hidelgo-Grass from Hebrew University decoded the mechanism for Streptococcus

A. Happy Independence Day, Yariv Ovadia Consul for Communications and Public Affairs