father

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?", he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying,
I want you to know that THAT HURTS

star trek

Star TrekThe Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walksout into the lobby where he meets President Bush.They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just onequestion about what I have seen in America."President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, Iwill do."The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there areRussians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs inStar Trek."President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It'sbecause it takes place in the future...."

work experiment

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

saudi and bush

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walksout into the lobby where he meets President Bush.They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just onequestion about what I have seen in America."President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, Iwill do."The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there areRussians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs inStar Trek."President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It'sbecause it takes place in the future...."

100th post special

at 10:13 on thursday 02 of june 2005 i made my first post and now at on sunday the 20th of august 2005 i make my 100th post (it is also the 200th visit to this site)

in honor of this milestone i have prepared a bus load of short jokes for your amusement
have fun

personal aeroplane
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual. Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!" And with that, he opened the door and stepped out... right into the water.

the talkative parrot
Rhonda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

optometrist
We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dis- missed the notion of a budding romance. "Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'" [Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]

medical problem
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

good news
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name a disease after you."

random funnies
After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders." --- The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level. Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind. The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung. ---TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! --- A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem. If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down.

breakfast
The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted. Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?" "Of course, dear. Every single detail!" "Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

epidural
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

bar competition
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

property manager
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked. "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

the body of any organisation
The body of any organization has four bones: 1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work; 2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else; 3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do; 4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

marrage problems
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife said, "Seven weeks."

crucial advice
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

credit card
Did you ever get rejected for a credit card? I did years ago. I had just started my new job out of college. I felt responsible enough to handle my own credit card so I applied for an American Express card. Weeks later I re- ceived a letter stating that my job was not good enough to be accepted for the card. Funny enough, I was employed at American Express.

signing the decleration
A school teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Darn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"

hen theif
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

aerospace industry
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor." The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

physics
One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

tough exam
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

noise abatement
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement." "Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

friendly dog
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office. Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?" "Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"

volvo for women
Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge femifeatures: -- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute. -- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles -- Permanent press fenders. -- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions. -- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

ransom
A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late." "Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

got bugs
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

learning numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack."

tail light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

dangerous golf
James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped like a ton of bricks! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens!" exclaimed James. "What should I do?" "Don't move him!" cautioned his partner. "If we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."

newspaper
I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper. She said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified section, though." I said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!" She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells, coffee grounds and a few orange peels."

secret to success
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Bill Gates." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

late for work
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

freezer meals
I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

smart kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

marrage promise
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

cheaper perfume
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.

the phone
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!" I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

Childrens Vision

HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear

SAFETY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She had no clothes on! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt

AMAZEMENT A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

things that drive a sane person mad

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

its so boiling hot in here

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.

No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!

Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.

Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.

You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.

The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye.

chain letters

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......

--- I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
--- I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
--- I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
--- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
--- I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
--- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
--- I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. --- I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
--- I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
--- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
--- I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
--- Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
--- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
--- I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
--- Now to Return the Favor: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!

wisdom of love

If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was....

Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours,If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat

C++ Programmer: if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free() if(m_she == NULL) m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:If you love somebody, Set her free... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates : If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist: If you love somebody, Set her free... She'll evolve.

Statistician:If you love somebody, Set her free... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free... SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive: If you love somebody don't set her free.

more one liners

The Government wants more money? Why don't they try selling candy bars like the Boy Scouts do?
Many people will spend the summer occupied with fishing and politics. In fishing you use a worm, and in politics a worm uses you.
A person that learns from their mistakes is smart. A person that learns from other people's mistakes is smarter.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.
It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong.
The things you tell your teenagers don't reach them 'til they're in their 40s.
He who lives without discipline dies without honor.
I have a speech impediment . . . my foot.
I need some duck tape . . . my duck has a quack in it
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
The more you say, the less people remember.
98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%.
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.
Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about professional football is the price of the tickets.
It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.
The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you.
The real goal is to be rich the moment after you die.
Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
Don't count your fish until they're on dry land.
Don't judge, you idiot.
Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.
Everything on land is within walking distance.
The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.
We're not truly happy until we focus on others.
Sarcasm: an ingenious way of making intelligent people feel stupid.
Love isn't blind . . . it just has Attention Deficit Disorder.
Life is a bowl of cherries . . . overpriced and only available at certain times.
A lot of good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people.
Funny that most of our best-sellers are written at a 9th-grade reading level.
Small talk is one step down from no talk.
If it weren't for humor, we might never get at the truth.
To understand politics, we must read between the lies.

funny motor insurance claims

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
" Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." "The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact." "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim."

interesting unnoficial laws

But they're true...

"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell
"When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice" When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

one liners

The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future.

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot!

Nothing tastes as good as slim feels.

Save time . . . see it my way.

The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.

People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.

The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!"

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

names and puns

I Want to Help: Abel N. WillinSmart
Beer Making: Bud Wiser
Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes
Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood
Ready...Set...: Sadie Word
Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist
Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew
I'm Fine: Howard Yu
The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary
Mensa Man: Gene Yuss Tear Up
Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr
Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma
The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp

hang gliding

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter-not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
9. "I'm in the management training program."
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
17. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
18. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
19. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
20. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

BAD Analogies

...from a high school essay

7) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

6) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

5) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

4) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

3) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

2) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

1) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

92 year olds wisdom

A 92 year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from it what you've put in it.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories and thank you for filling my Memory bank.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Funny Safety flight lectures

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we're SURE everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

if your a cop...

...Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report:
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...

3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...

4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...

6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.

7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...

8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...

9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...

Top Ten Signs it's really too HOT in your Synagogue

10. Synagogue board meets to discuss establishing pool volleyball net in mikva

9. Chasidim strip down to the bare essentials, aka. 3-piece suite and wool tzitit

8. Ner-Tamid replaced with mini fan and attached glittery streamers

7. When sisterhood puts their sweat and tears into preparing shul kiddush, actual sweat is used.

6. Instead of scotch, Kiddush club offers chilled pina coladas (umbrellas deemed muksa)

5. When the AC breaks, long-winded chazan receives slightly more death threats than "Yasher Koachs"

4. Jolly candyman starts handing out ice cubes

3. Rabbi makes really lame "And you thought the Jews in the desert had it bad" joke (repeated at minimum five times throughout summer)

2. Hot Chulent Kiddush met with same disdain as Schulman/O'Connor wedding

1. You're seriously considering offering your daughter's hand in marriage to the shabbos-goy who just flipped on the AC

what the retired man has to say about life

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

the greatest benefits of being over fourty

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

You can't remember who sent you this list.

life's crazy rules

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

multiple meanings

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP ! our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP! the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll! wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so..........Time to shut UP! Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U-P

actual newspaper headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Farmer Bill Dies in House
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
7. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
8. Eye Drops off Shelf
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
11. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
18. War Dims Hope for Peace
19. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
20. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
21. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
22. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
23. Deer Kill 17,000
24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
25. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
26. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
27. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
30. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
31. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
32. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
33. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

one liners

The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

A word of advice...don't give it.

If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?

I am logged in...therefore, I am.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.

To belittle is to be little.

When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?