jewish jokes

The Haircut Joke
> A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who
was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took
him
to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your
grades up, study the Torah more, get your hair cut and we'll talk about
it."
>
> After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
they
could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study
where his father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have
brought
your grades up, you've studied the Torah diligently, but you didn't get
your
hair cut!"
>
> The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long
hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...." To which the Rabbi
replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
>


> The Good Laugh Of The Pesach Guests

> Yitzchok makes a call from his home in Florida to his son in New York
and
says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to
discuss
it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought
you
ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Emah."
>
> Benny is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I
don't
want to get into it. My mind is made up."
>
> "But Avie, you just can't decide to divorce Emah just like that after
54
years together. What happened?"
>
> "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my
son,
and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it
anymore
than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the
pain."
>
> "But where's Emah? Can I talk to her?"
> hi ta its ari with more jokes
> "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told
her
yet. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several
days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with
the
lawyer the day after tomorrow."
>
> "Avie, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
>
> "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off
seeing
the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and
break
the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
>
> A half hour later, Isaac receives a call from his daughter who tells
him
that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the
children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
>
> "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone,
but
promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
>
> Yitzchok promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Yitzchok turns
to
his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to
do
next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"



> The Locked Car Joke

> A Yid locked himself out of his car on a hot summer day. He looked
through
the garbage and found a wire hanger. He went back to his car to try to
open
the lock.
>
> He shoved the wire through the slightly open window with his wife
telling
him,"Yitzchok, move it more to the right...more to the left...Higher!
Lower!"
>
> Finally his wife said, "What's taking you so long?"
>
> To which Yitzchok replied, "It's easy for you to say, sitting inside
an air conditioned car!"



> The Funny Tale Of The Red Phone
> The Reverend Billy Graham visited the Pontiff, his holiness in Rome.
Upon
arriving he was ushered into a special room prepared just for his visit.
As
he sat waiting he noticed a special RED PHONE sitting in the center of
the
room on a marble stand.
>
> When the Pope arrived to greet Reverend Graham, he commented, "That
phone
is unique. What do you use it for?"
>
> The Pope responded, "I talk to G-d on that phone. It's a special
direct
line."
>
> "Really!" gasped Reverend Graham. "How much does a call cost?"
>
> "Well, it's about $20,000 a minute, but well worth every penny of it!"
answered the Pope.
>
> A Year later, Reverend. Graham went to see Rabbi Goldstein in
Jerusalem.
Again he noticed a RED
> PHONE on a marble stand but didn't say anything.
>
> Later that day he visited the Prime Minister of Israel. Upon arriving
he
was directed right into the Prime Minister's office. When he entered the
room the Prime Minister was speaking on his RED PHONE sitting on a
marble
stand. Immediately, Reverend Graham knew he was speaking with G-d, being
aquainted with Jewish phrases used to address the Holy One. After about
fifty minutes the conversation concluded.
>
> Graham responded, "By estimation that call cost about a million
dollars."
> "Not here," replied the Prime Mininster. "Talking to G-d is a local
call
for us."