...Wish I'd Said That..

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement.~Mark TwainThe secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.~George BurnsSanta Claus has the right idea ...visit people only once a year.

~Victor BorgeBe careful about reading health books.You may die of a misprint.~Mark TwainWhat would men be without women?Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.~Mark TwainBy all means marry.If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.~SocratesI was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury.~Groucho MarxMy wife has a slight impediment in her speech.Every now and then she stops to breathe.

~Jimmy DuranteThe male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.~Jilly CooperI never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.~Zsa Zsa GaborOnly Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.~Alex LevineDon't go around saying the world owes you a living.The world owes you nothing.It was here first.~Mark TwainMy luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.~Ed FurgolMoney can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.~Spike MilliganWhat's the use of happiness?It can't buy you money.~Henny YoungmanI am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.~Joe NamathYouth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.~Herbert Henry AsquithI don't feel old.I don't feel anything until noon.Then it's time for my nap.~Bob HopeIt takes only one drink to get me drunk.The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.~George BurnsWe could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.~UnknownDon't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you.~UnknownMaybe it's true that life begins at fifty.

But ...everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.~UnknownDoctor to patient:I have good news and bad news.The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.~UnknownThe cardiologist's diet:If it tastes good ... spit it out.~UnknownBy the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.~UnknownIt's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.~Unknown