mistakes from the press

Rev. Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish plastered. His left thumb, which was shot away, is doing nicely.

We've got fifty yankettes married into English nobility right now. Some of them are duchesses. Some are countesses. Eleven are baronesses. Only one is a lady.

The font so generously presented by Mrs. Smith will be set in position at the east end of the Church. Babies may now be baptized at both ends.

The church is now forming a Little Mothers Club. All women desiring to become Little Mothers are asked to meet with the pastor in his study after services.

Dr. Gilbert Murray, O.M., will celebrate his ninetieth birthday quietly at his home at Boars Hill, near Oxford, tomorrow, with his wife, Lady Mary Murray.

They have been married 66 years. This evening he is to broadcast in the BBC Home Service a talk called "Unfinished Battle."

A loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of the members in memory of his wife.

1957 Remember?

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it."
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."
(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
(18) "I guess taking a vacation is out of the question now days. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

flying one liners

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." --

At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --

From an old carrier sailor "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." --

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."


other one liners

The school should pay me to skip class. Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.

A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.

I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Scars: Tattoos with better stories.

Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.

there are two things you cant escape, death and tax

A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.

Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Say nothing . . . often.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.

You non-conformists are all alike.

Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,766 years.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.

A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please." When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.

10 facts of israel part 2

2. Like the United States, Israel is a democracy. Israel's Parliament includes men, women, Jews and Arabs.
Israel is a parliamentary democracy with legislative, executive and judicial branches. The head of the state is the president, whose duties are mostly ceremonial and formal; the office symbolizes the unity and sovereignty of the state. The Knesset, Israel's legislative authority, is a 120-member unicameral parliament which operates in plenary session and through 14 standing committees. Its members are elected every four years in universal nationwide elections. The Knesset has 10 Arab members.
The government (cabinet of ministers) is charged with administering internal and foreign affairs. It is headed by a prime minister and is collectively responsible to the Knesset.
Dig deeper into this issue here.

3. Israel ensures complete equality of all individuals irrespective of religion, race or sex. These civil rights are granted in Israel's Declaration of Independence and Declaration of Establishment.
The Declaration of Independence (May 1948) states that the State of Israel will be based on freedom, justice and peace as envisaged by the prophets of Israel; it will ensure complete equality of social and political rights to all its inhabitants irrespective of religion, race or sex; it will guarantee freedom of religion, conscience, language, education and culture; it will safeguard the Holy Places of all religions; and it will be faithful to the principles of the Charter of the United Nations.
All citizens of Israel, no matter what religion are free to practice the religion of their choice.
The Declaration of the Establishment of the State of Israel (1948) guarantees freedom of religion for all. Each religious community is free, by law and in practice, to exercise its faith, to observe its holidays and weekly day of rest and to administer its internal affairs. Each has its own religious council and courts, recognized by law and with jurisdiction over all religious affairs and matters of personal status such as marriage and divorce. Each has its own unique places of worship, with traditional rituals and special architectural features developed over the centuries.
There are roughly 6 million people living in Israel. Jews make up 77.2 percent of Israel's population, Muslims 15.4 percent, Christians 2.1 percent, Druze 1.6 percent and unaffiliated citizens 3.5 percent. The percentage of Israeli residents who are Arab is 19 percent, about the same as it when the country was established in 1948. (palestinefacts.org)
All citizens, regardless of their religion, may participate in the political process.
The 120-member Knesset is Israel's legislature. Members of Knesset (MKs) are elected every four years within the framework of parties that compete for the electorate's votes. Each party chooses its own Knesset candidates as it sees fit. The major function of the Knesset is to legislate laws and revise them as necessary. Additional duties include establishing a government, taking policy decisions, reviewing government activities, and electing the President of the State and the State Comptroller. Some Arab parties: National Arab Party, United Arab List, Hadash.
Dig deeper into this issue here.

mother in law

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Air-bag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law."

--- I never forget a face, But in my mother-in-laws' case I'm willing to make an exception. ---

She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

--- Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

lawer

The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. "But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. "Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?" Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

pilots wisdom

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

lawer

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When: -

The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other. -

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." -

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. -

Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. -

Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." -

He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. -

He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

perfection

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up." One elderly gentleman stood up. "Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

oneliners

You don't pay taxes; they take taxes.

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

When it seems you can't forgive, remember how much YOU have been forgiven.

Centipede: An ant built to government specifications.

"You want us to do WHAT?" -- Ancient Chinese wall engineer.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The hardest thing to disguise is your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the bus for home.

What is it about politics that turns otherwise decent folk into egotistical, narrow-minded bullies?

A great actor can bring tears to our eyes. But then, so can an auto mechanic.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

The bad news is; time flies. The good news is; you're the pilot.

Procrastinate Later. You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.

Change is good but dollars are better.

A promise is a debt.

He who hesitates is probably right.

ten essential facts of israel part 1

1. In the summer of 2000, Israel offered the Palestinian Arabs 97 percent of the land they claim to be fighting for, making Israel the first and only country ever to offer the Palestinian Arabs a homeland. This offer was rejected with no counter-offer from the Palestinians.
At the urging of Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak, U.S. President Clinton announced on July 5, 2000, his invitation to Prime Minister Ehud Barak and Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat to come to Camp David to continue their negotiations on the Middle East peace process.
On July 11, the Camp David 2000 Summit convened.
Barak's offer to the Palestinians was the most substantial and far-reaching that had ever been made. In Israel, people were stunned by the extent of the concessions that he was prepared to make. It is unclear whether the Israeli public were prepared to support Barak's deal. However they were never given the opportunity to endorse the proposals, as Arafat rejected them out of hand. According to media reports, Barak's offer included:
* Israeli withdrawal from 95 percent of the West Bank (Judea and Samaria) and 100 percent of the Gaza Strip
* The creation of a Palestinian state in those areas
* The removal of isolated settlements that would be transferred to Palestinian control
* Slices of Israeli land to be included in the Palestinian state to compensate for the percentage of the West Bank to become Israeli
* Palestinian control over parts of Jerusalem including most of the Old City
* "Religious Sovereignty" over the Temple Mount (rather than Israeli sovereignty, which had been in effect since 1967)
President Clinton, and others who participated, put the blame for the failure of the talks squarely on Arafat and the Palestinian negotiators for declining and not making any counteroffers or continuing the negotiation.
Dig deeper into this issue here and here.

base ball

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

the pessimist

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer. The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?" To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."
the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo. The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses. The cop, really ticked off this time, says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday" The man smiles and replies, "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"

"It's year 5766 according to the Jewish calendar -- and I'm still writing 5765 on my checks!" --Dave Letterman

1923

In 1923, Who Was...?
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

So, what became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of 95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death. The moral here: Forget work. Play golf!

shanah tovah

A peaceful new year to us all - to modern, ultra & just plain Orthodox Jews, Haredi Jews, Mitnagdim, Conservative, Conservadox, Reform & ConForm Jews, Gartel Jews, non-Gartel Jews, Jews with sheitels & without, Tichel Jews, Sheitel, tichel & hat Jews, adult & child Jews, Frum from birth Jews, Baalei teshuva, Satmar, Agudah, black hat, kipa s'ruga, Mir, Munkacs, Belz, Beta Yisrael, Bobov, Chaim Berlin, Y.U. Jews, payes in front of the ear Jews, payes in back of the ear Jews, kipa only in shul/ hat in shul/ no shul at all Jews, Jews by choice,Likud Jews, Labor Jews, Ten Lost Tribes Jews, cardiac Jews, Irish Jews, Black Jews, White Jews, 3-day-a-year Jews, Rav Nachman Jews, Rav Shlomo Jews, Neturei Karta Jews, Hasidim, Telz, Lakewood & Ner Yisrael Jews, Chofetz Chaim Jews, zaftig Jews, skinny Jews, Kook - ies, JTS, RJJ, HUC, HTC, MTJ, BMT Jews, Celebrity Jews, Generation X,Y & Z Jews, NCSY Jews, Solomon Schechter Jews, Chinuch Atzmaih Jews, Fackenheim Jews, Yitz Greenberg Jews, Kahane Jews, Feminist Jews, Chauvinist Jews, egalitarian Jews, traditional Jews, Kaddish-zuger Jews, political Jews, intellectual Jews, ignorant Jews, tomato Jews & orange Jews, Shinui Jews, Shas Jews, Israeli Jews, American Jews, Persian Jews, Russian Jews, Galitzianers, Litvaks, Polacks, Birthright Jews, single Jews, married Jews, wish I was married Jews, Greener Jews, Roiter Jews, Scandinavian Jews, Italian Jews, Bald Jews, Hairy Jews, Canadian Jews, Latino Jews, Ladino Jews, Jews in kapotas, Jews in T-shirts, Jews in sandals, Jews in gym shoes, Jews in cowboy boots, Hungarian Jews, Czech Jews, Jews on the Hungarian-Czech Border Jews, Ashkenazim, Sefardim, Yemenite Jews, Afrikaaner Jews, Romanian Jews, Zionists, non-Zionists, anti-Zionists, post-Zionists, Jews with an accent, Jews who speak perfect Midwestern English Hebrew, Native American Jews, Anglo-Saxon Jews, French Jews, German Jews, Greek Jews, Indian Jews, Chinese Jews, Jews who like David Levy , Wannabee Jews, Conspiracy Theory Jews, Japanese Jews, Shayna Panim Jews, Meeskite Jews, Closet Jews, Shnorrers, Baalei Tzedaka, Tzadikim, Baynonim, Rashaim, Chacham-Tam-Ayni Yodea Jews, Chevramen & Farbisseners, kvetching Jews, Guta Neshama Jews, Vizhnitzer, Ger, Gerer, Chabadnik, Kohenim, Levi'im, Yisraelim, Machers, Mavens, & Poshet Jews, EVERYKIND of Jew in this vast Universe: May we all unite - without a fight! - and together ignite G-d's great
light.

May we see a sweet and blessed year together with a true peace. Shana Tova!
Artza alinu. Am yisrael chai

abc's of a friend

A)ccepts you as you are > >
(B)elieves in "you" > >
(C)alls you just to say "HI" > >
(D)oesn't give up on you > > > >
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts) > >
(F)orgives your mistakes > >
(G)ives unconditionally > >
(H)elps you > >
(I)nvites you over > > > >
(J)ust "be" with you > >
(K)eeps you close at heart > >
(L)oves you for who you are > >
(M)akes a difference in your life > > > >
(N)ever Judges > >
(O)ffer support > >
(P)icks you up > >
(Q)uiets your fears > >
(R)aises your spirits > > > > > >
(S)ays nice things about you > >
(T)ells you the truth when you need tohear it > >
(U)nderstands you > >
(V)alues you > > > >
(W)alks beside you > >
(X)-plains thing you ! don't understand > >
(Y)ells when you won't listen and > >
(Z)aps you back to reality