computer comic

classic definitions and cool meanings

• Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
• Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power .
• Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
• Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
• Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
• Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
• Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
• Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
• Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
• Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet.
• " Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
• Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
• Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
• Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
• Computer Engineer: Someone who gets paid for reading these type of mails.

notice

a blonde joke

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on and the news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says, "Yes, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde said, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money...

the things babies say

"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?" Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son -- me!".

When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cupof boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will bealmost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by gettingsomeone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seatby simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Rememberto use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent youfrom rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snoozebutton.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose oflaxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you willforget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move andshould, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the ducttape.

Daddy

4 years: My daddy can do anything.

7 years: My dad knows a lot, a whole lot.

8 years: My father doesn't know quite everything.

12 years: Oh, well, naturally Father doesn't know that, either.

14 years: Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned.

21 years: Oh, that man is out-of-date. What did you expect?

25 years: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.

30 years: Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.

35 years: A little patience. Let's get Dad's assessment before we do anything.

50 years: I wonder what Dad would have thought about that. He was pretty smart.

60 years: My Dad knew absolutely everything!

65 years: I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man.

END TO A PARTY

Mom, I went to a party, And remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom, So I had a sprite instead. I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would.That I didn't drink and drive, Though some friends said I should. I made a healthy choice, And your advice to me was right.The party finally ended, And the kids drove out of sight. I got into my car, Sure to get home in one piece,I never knew what was coming, Mom, Something I expected least. Now I'm lying on the pavement, And I hear the policeman say,''The kid that caused this wreck was drunk.'' Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me, As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say, This girl is going to die.
I'm sure the guy had no idea, While he was flying high.Because he chose to drink and drive, Now I would have to die. So why do people do it, Mom, Knowing that it ruins lives?And now the pain is cutting me, Like a hundred stabbing knives. Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom, Tell daddy to be brave.And when I go to heaven, Put 'Daddy's Girl' on my grave. Someone should have taught him, That it's wrong to drink and drive.Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom, I'm getting really scared.These are my final moments, And I'm so unprepared. I wish that you could hold me, Mom, As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!" So I love you, and good-bye.

the abc of a friend

A)ccepts you as you are > >
(B)elieves in "you" > >
(C)alls you just to say "HI" > >
(D)oesn't give up on you > > > >
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts) > >
(F)orgives your mistakes > >
(G)ives unconditionally > >
(H)elps you > >
(I)nvites you over > > > >
(J)ust "be" with you > >
(K)! eeps you close at heart > >
(L)oves you for who you are > >
(M)akes a difference in your life > > > >
(N)ever Judges > >
(O)ffer support > >
(P)icks you up > >
(Q)uiets your fears > >
(R)aises your spirits > > > > > >
(S)ays nice things about you > >
(T)ells you the truth when you need tohear it > >
(U)nderstands you > >
(V)alues you > > > >
(W)alks beside you > >
(X)-plains thing you ! don't understand > >
(Y)ells when you won't listen and > >
(Z)aps you back to reality

yeshiva toilet paper

jewish jokes

The Haircut Joke
> A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who
was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took
him
to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your
grades up, study the Torah more, get your hair cut and we'll talk about
it."
>
> After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
they
could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study
where his father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have
brought
your grades up, you've studied the Torah diligently, but you didn't get
your
hair cut!"
>
> The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long
hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...." To which the Rabbi
replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
>


> The Good Laugh Of The Pesach Guests

> Yitzchok makes a call from his home in Florida to his son in New York
and
says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to
discuss
it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought
you
ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Emah."
>
> Benny is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I
don't
want to get into it. My mind is made up."
>
> "But Avie, you just can't decide to divorce Emah just like that after
54
years together. What happened?"
>
> "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my
son,
and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it
anymore
than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the
pain."
>
> "But where's Emah? Can I talk to her?"
> hi ta its ari with more jokes
> "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told
her
yet. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several
days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with
the
lawyer the day after tomorrow."
>
> "Avie, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
>
> "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off
seeing
the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and
break
the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
>
> A half hour later, Isaac receives a call from his daughter who tells
him
that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the
children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
>
> "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone,
but
promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
>
> Yitzchok promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Yitzchok turns
to
his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to
do
next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"



> The Locked Car Joke

> A Yid locked himself out of his car on a hot summer day. He looked
through
the garbage and found a wire hanger. He went back to his car to try to
open
the lock.
>
> He shoved the wire through the slightly open window with his wife
telling
him,"Yitzchok, move it more to the right...more to the left...Higher!
Lower!"
>
> Finally his wife said, "What's taking you so long?"
>
> To which Yitzchok replied, "It's easy for you to say, sitting inside
an air conditioned car!"



> The Funny Tale Of The Red Phone
> The Reverend Billy Graham visited the Pontiff, his holiness in Rome.
Upon
arriving he was ushered into a special room prepared just for his visit.
As
he sat waiting he noticed a special RED PHONE sitting in the center of
the
room on a marble stand.
>
> When the Pope arrived to greet Reverend Graham, he commented, "That
phone
is unique. What do you use it for?"
>
> The Pope responded, "I talk to G-d on that phone. It's a special
direct
line."
>
> "Really!" gasped Reverend Graham. "How much does a call cost?"
>
> "Well, it's about $20,000 a minute, but well worth every penny of it!"
answered the Pope.
>
> A Year later, Reverend. Graham went to see Rabbi Goldstein in
Jerusalem.
Again he noticed a RED
> PHONE on a marble stand but didn't say anything.
>
> Later that day he visited the Prime Minister of Israel. Upon arriving
he
was directed right into the Prime Minister's office. When he entered the
room the Prime Minister was speaking on his RED PHONE sitting on a
marble
stand. Immediately, Reverend Graham knew he was speaking with G-d, being
aquainted with Jewish phrases used to address the Holy One. After about
fifty minutes the conversation concluded.
>
> Graham responded, "By estimation that call cost about a million
dollars."
> "Not here," replied the Prime Mininster. "Talking to G-d is a local
call
for us."

a not so dumb blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references - no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

the big business way

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."


The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

redneks guide to computer terms

"Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways."

"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

tell the world the truth: We Jews do run the world!

When I first heard about Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir's comments at the Organization of the Islamic Conference, an uneasy chill ran down my spine. He called for Muslims "to unite against Jews towards a final victory," saying "the Jews rule the world by proxy... They have now gained control of the most powerful countries and they, this tiny community, have become a world power. 1.3 billion Muslims cannot be defeated by a few million Jews."

The media reported that "his words were greeted with a standing ovation from the kings, presidents, sheiks and emirs -- including key U.S. allies -- gathered at Malaysia's sparkling new capital, Putrajaya."

In editorials across the Arab world the Prime Minister's comments were either praised as accurate or explained as intended to be anti-Israel, not anti Jewish. French President Jacques Chirac blocked the EU from ending its summit with a harshly worded statement condemning Mahathir's speech.

Although this rapid-fire news initially horrified me, I now realize that the time be horrified is over. It is high time to fess up and tell the world the truth: We Jews do run the world. And we've been running things for a very long time, manipulating world events for our own needs.


Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone... so he could call his mother.

It's time to reveal the truth that many famous people throughout history were actually Jewish -- part of the plot to perpetuate the myth and keep us in charge. Martin Luther - yep, a Jew! But that one was pretty obvious. After all, he is famous for quitting his church to form a new one, a regular practice in synagogues around the world today.

Napoleon was a Jew -- no wonder he wanted to reconvene the Sanhedrin. Napoleon had this nervous habit of playing with the Chai around his neck all the time. But he would do it by putting his hand in shirt.

Alexander Graham Bell, another closet Jew, invented the telephone... so that he could call his mother.

The Untold Story

Now that Mahathir has brought things out in the open, let's be totally honest and start telling the world everything.

The media? Yep, Jewish controlled. We have this guy Lenny (a Levite) who lives in Cleveland with his wife and two kids. All the news media in the world report to Lenny. As a news director, he is the best we've had for centuries. It was Lenny who thought up the idea that most news media should slant their coverage against Israel. He figured that if reporters give the impression that Jewish blood is cheap, no one would figure out that we were actually running things. Last year Lenny won a UJA (Underground Jewish Action) award for coming up with the idea that media should not use the word "terrorist" when a Jew was killed.

Lenny inherited the media-control job from his father, who in 1942 was able to convince The New York Times and other western newspapers to bury coverage of the Holocaust on page 27.

The banks? No one believes that silly thing about Jewish bankers in New York controlling all the money. Sure, they're all Jewish, but they come from the Netherlands, not New York.


Harvey Cohn is the guy funneling tens of millions of dollars to Arafat's PA.

We run the world's monetary system from the EU central office. Our man there is named Harvey Cohn. Harvey runs a tight ship. He's the guy who keeps funneling tens of millions of dollars to Arafat's PA.

Harvey is also the person who came up with using Gretta Duisenberg as a decoy. Gretta is the wife of the non-Jewish figurehead of European bank, the folks who control the Euro dollar. Harvey's brilliant idea was setting up Mrs. Duisenberg as an anti-Semite. He directed her famous appearance on a radio show in support of Stop the Occupation. This is an organization that calls for the imposition of economic sanctions on Israel. When the Dutch radio interviewer asked Mrs. Duisenberg how many signatures she hoped to collect on a petition of support for the group, she replied, "Six million," chuckling heartily at her own joke.

I spoke to Harvey today; he agrees that it's time to let the cat out of the bag. But there is one thing he would like to do first. You see, much of the world's "anti-Semitism" is part of the plot to perpetuate the myth that we do not run the world. The French government isn't involved at all. They really do hate the Jews. Harvey says that before the word gets out, he wants to use his vast financial powers to cancel every credit card owned by a member of the French government.

The Downside

One thing that may surprise people is that George Bush is actually Jewish. He converted five years ago. (It's the only way we would let him run for president.) I was honored by being invited to his bris. My wife made a cheesecake.

Oh, and that war against Iraq? Well, Pat Buchanan was right -- our idea. But it had nothing to do with Israel, and everything to with chick peas. You see, one thing that we don't control is the falafel market, and that is going to change very, very soon.


And by the way, the Saudis were right, Barbie dolls are just a Jewish plot to destroy the minds of Muslim children.

Protocols of the Elders of Zion? Can you believe that some people still think that's a forgery?!

Coming out with the truth may lift a terrible burden from our shoulders. No more hiding, no more plotting. Just going about the business of ruling the world.

There is, however, a downside. What if people don't believe us? What if people were to hate us so much that they start to think we have little control over world events? What if they were to think that the Jews are an ancient people who survived only through love of God and His Torah? What if people were to look at us, not as world dominators, but as the teachers of how to love God and each other?

What am I saying? No one could believe that!

aging

-- An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

-- Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

-- If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

-- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.

-- I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

-- Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

-- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

-- Some days are a total waste of makeup.

-- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

-- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

-- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

-- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

-- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

-- Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!

WHY PARENTS DRINK

The boss of a big company needing to speak with one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's Home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello. Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

scrabble it

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE ZS

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

very interesting philosophy of Charles Schultz

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the
> "Peanuts" comic strip.
> You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail
> straight through, and you'll get the point.
> 1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
> 2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
> 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
> 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
> 5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
> actress. 6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
> How did you do?
> The point is none of us remember the headliners of
> yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their
> fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
> Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
> Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
> 1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through
> school. 2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult
> time. 3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile. 4.
> Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special. 5.
> Think of five people you enjoy spending time with. 6. Name half a dozen
> heroes whose stories have inspired you.
> Easier?
> The lesson:
> The people who make a difference in your life are not the
> ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They
> are the ones that care.
> "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's
> already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)
>

A DYNAMITE SALES PITCH

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:
"If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"Now... which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

Top Ten Things Overheard in Jewish History Re: Father's Day

Top Ten Things Overheard in Jewish History Re: Father's Day

10. Noah's Son to Noah: "Happy Abba Day! But how do you expect me to marry a Jewish girl with a name like HAM?

9. Abraham to Terach: "Let's just say I crashed something, but it wasn't the car."

8. Yitzchak to Abraham: "Sacrifice me? Was it the cheesy piano-tie I gave you last year?"

7. Lot's Daughter to Lot: "Dad, you've got grandson on the way, um, I mean a son!"
6. Joseph to Yaakov: "I got you a time-share in the land of Goshen, don't worry, it's like Florida"

5. Moshe to Pharaoh: "It's the new Bangles CD, you'll love it"

4. Solomon to David: "Dad, I got engaged...again!"

3. Albert Einstein's Son to Albert Einstein: "I love you dad, you're da bomb!"

2. Rabbi Soloveichik to Dad: "There are really two distinct concepts in this pair of socks"

1. Jesus to Dad, "Hey, you're not God"

George Carlin's Views on Aging>>

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old>is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited>about aging that you think in fractions.>> "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and>a half. You're four and a half, going on five!>> That's the key.>> You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the>next number, or even a few ahead.>> "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're>gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.>Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!>> But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound>like bad milk! . He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,>you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?>> You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.>> Whoa! Put on! the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it,>you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.>> But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!>> So you BECOME 2 1, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.>> You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a>day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!>> You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT>lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.>> And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I>Was JUST 92.">> Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a>little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!">> May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!>>

you can change a persons life

We all know or knew someone like this!!
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of>>>>his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives. " He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked>>>>him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up>>>>there and speak Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began ...

"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person'slife. For better or for worse.

Raising Boys

Raising Boys--
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas
...Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house4 inches deep.2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them withroller blades, they can ignite.3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowdedrestaurant.4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strongenough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Supermancape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spreadpaint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. Whenusing a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few timesbefore you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hitby a ceiling fan.7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's alreadytoo late.8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-yearold boy.11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.12.) Super glue is forever.13.) No matter how much J ell-O you put in a swimming pool you stillcan't walk on water.14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercialsshow they do.16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do notlike ovens.20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthwormsdizzy.22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brakefluid.25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with orwithout kids.

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A -- Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B -- He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C -- He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first ... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.





Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said, "YES!" ... you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note!
Keep reading
... Never be afraid to try something new... Remember ... Amateurs built the ark ... Professionals...built the Titanic!


And Finally ... can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line

15th century england

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.


Here are some facts about the 15th Century in England:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.


Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."


Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and
other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top, afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.


The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.

Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)


In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,peas porridge in the pot nine days old."


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leak onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so,tomatoes were considered poisonous.


Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."


England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."


And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring!

life before the computer

>MEMORY WAS SOMETHING YOU LOST WITH AGE.

>AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT.

>A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW.

>A CURSOR HAD HIS MOUTH WASHED OUT WITH SOAP.

>A KEYBOARD WAS ON A PIANO.

>A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME.

>A VIRUS WAS SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU SICK.

>A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT.

>A MOUSE PAD WAS THE PLACE WHERE MICE LIVE.

Odd signs from EnglandSign in a Laundromat:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm:HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door:THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) English sign in a German cafe:MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING Outside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographer's studio:OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Outside a disco:SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand:QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window:ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage:PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet:IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign at Norfolk farm gate:BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

parenthood

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

baby power

Hello, my name is Quinn, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business. Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!

Rule #1 You have absolute power. Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.
Rule #2 Cry. Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.
Rule #3 Be cute. This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house.
Rule #4 Keep them weak. I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5 Pee on them. Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere
Rule #6 Make them carry you. Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever.
Rule #7 Smack them around a little. Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8 Women and grandparents love babies. Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!
Rule #9 Siblings exist for your amusement. Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule #10 No private time. This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs! That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household. You have the power!

my mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home"
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

HELPDESK LOG...

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
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Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry ....
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Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it!
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening...
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around
it?

life is a small circle

Yoav, a young IDF (Israeli Defense Force) soldier was stationed in the cityof Chevron. Suddenly, he was shot by an Arab sniper and left for dead.As it was four o'clock in the morning, and no imminent attack was expected,no one was awake to hear the shot and rush to his aid. It appeared as thoughYoav was doomed to bleed to death before anybody would ever find him. Hisshort life would come to a tragic silent end. One other soldier however, did happen to hear something. Though not totally sure, he suspected it might be a rifle shot so he went to investigate.He spotted Yoav, who was lying on the ground, bleeding to death. Heimmediately began to stabilize Yoav's wound and arranged for emergency transport to a medical facility. It took time for help to get to the scene, so he needed to apply manual pressure and any other trick he could think of to keep Yoav alive in the interim - he was literally holding Yoav's life in his hands.

Eventually, Yoav arrived at a proper medical facility where he was treated by surgeons. Yoav's parents were notified and rushed to the hospital. Thedoctors told them that had it not been for the immediate and appropriateactions of the other soldier, their son Yoav would definitely not havesurvived. It was indeed a miracle that the other soldier heard what noone else heard, and managed to locate Yoav as quickly as he did. They wentto thank him, but he had already left the hospital. After Yoav went hometo recuperate, and everyone was settled, they called the army to find out the name of the other soldier so they could thank him personally. Unfortunately, the other soldier's name had not been recorded in the incident report, so they now had no way of ever contacting him.
Yoav's parents owned a makolet (grocery store) in Kiryat Malachi, so theyput up a poster in their store, describing the miracle that occurred andasking if anyone knew the identity of Yoav's savior. They figured thatIsrael is a small country and someone might know someone who knows something.Months passed with no response. Finally after a year, a woman entered thestore and saw the sign. She was positive that her son Doron had mentionedsuch an account. She took out her cellphone and called Doron on the spot.Sure enough, he remembered the incident quite well - it was he who had saved Yoav's life. Soon all the families gathered together for a joyful, tearful 'reunion'.
Doron's mother pulled Yoav's mother aside and told her, "There is aspecific reason why I came to your store that day. You don't remember
me, but twenty years ago, I was standing in your makolet feeling lost andforlorn. You and your wonderful husband noticed how sad I looked and asked mewhat was the matter. I explained that I was pregnant and was overwhelmed.There were so many unbearable difficulties, financially, socially and emotionally.I had decided that the only way out was to have an abortion "You bothstopped everything, and calmly and lovingly sat with me. You listened to me. Then you offered so much encouragement and support. Because of you, everything began to look different and I chose to keep my baby. I no longer live around here, but I happened to be passing through and I figured it would be nice to visit your store again to thank you once again for all that you did for me. The name of that precious baby was Doron." "My beloved Doron, who would not have been born were it not for you, grew up to save your son Yoav's life.

a special passanger

Something extraordinary happened on my recent flight to Israel.>> The only clue that something extraordinary was happening on my recent> flight to Israel was a half hour delay in boarding. Otherwise, everything> seemed to be quite unremarkable as we buckled up, raised our fold-down> trays and brought our chair backs to their full upright position prior to> take off.>> The captain made his usual remarks about course, speed, altitude and> unexpected turbulence that can happen any time. Within minutes, roaring> engines peeled us away from the ground and we sliced through low hanging,> cotton-candy clouds behind which was hiding a magnificently luminescent,> seemingly enlarged, near full moon. Drinks were brought around, dinner was> served and all the 777's hundreds of video screens sprang to life with the> usual mix of TV sitcom reruns, slightly stale movies and kid fare.>> When the seat belt indicator dimmed just after dinner, I eagerly alighted> from my seat and took a spin around the cabin to encourage the blood in my> legs to reacquaint itself with the rest of my body and to meet and rub> shoulders with new and hopefully a few familiar fellow passengers.>> As I approached the rear of the aircraft I could make out a hospital-blue> curtain which seemed to hover above the last 5 rows of the center seats in
> hospital gear attached to hoses, pumps and wires adjacent to what was a> flying intensive care unit (ICU), complete with EKG monitor, feeding tubes> and intravenous drip equipment.>> My first instinct was to satisfy my curiosity and try to steal a look at> the patient inside, but I suddenly recalled a talk given by my rabbi in> which he underscored the enormous importance the Torah places upon> respecting every human\'s right to privacy -- especially the ill -- and> walked on past the impromptu ICU and into the aft galley of the plane.>> Swinging around the rear of the aircraft, I re-entered the passenger cabin> and my eyes instinctively darted again towards the blue curtain. I nearly> bumped right into the man attending to the patient, someone I recognized> as an old acquaintance from my native Brooklyn. Wearing a kipah on his> head, a stethoscope around his neck and rubber gloves on his hands, he was> occupied drawing some fluid into a syringe.>> " Shalom aleichem," I said heartily. He looked up and remembered me as> well.>> " Aleichem shalom," he responded warmly. Casting a glance towards the> makeshift ICU, I asked him if he was allowed to tell me anything regarding> what this was all about.>> " She had major heart surgery in the United States," he replied, and we\'re> bringing her back to Israel to be with her family.>> Tens of questions instantly began forming in my mind. Why was she being> moved while in such a precarious state of health? How did they get the> airline to agree to transport someone so ill? How much did it cost to> arrange for this mini flying hospital?>> As if reading my mind, my friend said, "Don\'t ask me anything I\'m not> supposed to answer. A lot of people had to pull strings for all this to",1]
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> the shape of a bathtub. Upon closer examination I could see all type of> hospital gear attached to hoses, pumps and wires adjacent to what was a> flying intensive care unit (ICU), complete with EKG monitor, feeding tubes> and intravenous drip equipment.>> My first instinct was to satisfy my curiosity and try to steal a look at> the patient inside, but I suddenly recalled a talk given by my rabbi in> which he underscored the enormous importance the Torah places upon> respecting every human's right to privacy -- especially the ill -- and> walked on past the impromptu ICU and into the aft galley of the plane.>> Swinging around the rear of the aircraft, I re-entered the passenger cabin> and my eyes instinctively darted again towards the blue curtain. I nearly> bumped right into the man attending to the patient, someone I recognized> as an old acquaintance from my native Brooklyn. Wearing a kipah on his> head, a stethoscope around his neck and rubber gloves on his hands, he was> occupied drawing some fluid into a syringe.>> " Shalom aleichem," I said heartily. He looked up and remembered me as> well.>> " Aleichem shalom," he responded warmly. Casting a glance towards the> makeshift ICU, I asked him if he was allowed to tell me anything regarding> what this was all about.>> " She had major heart surgery in the United States," he replied, and we're> bringing her back to Israel to be with her family.>> Tens of questions instantly began forming in my mind. Why was she being> moved while in such a precarious state of health? How did they get the> airline to agree to transport someone so ill? How much did it cost to> arrange for this mini flying hospital?>> As if reading my mind, my friend said, "Don't ask me anything I'm not> supposed to answer. A lot of people had to pull strings for all this to
>> As I looked deeply into his face I could plainly see rings of exhaustion> around his eyes. Reading my mind again he told me of the many hours of> careful preparation that took place before the patient could be brought on> board the plane. He had been awake many hours before dawn to prepare for> our late afternoon flight, and I obviously can\'t sleep during the flight,> he said sweeping his hand toward the EKG and respiration monitor.>> "How long do you get to stay in Israel?" I asked, figuring he\'d take> advantage of the \'mission\' to get at least a few days of R&R in sunny> Israel.>> "About nine hours," he smiled.> "They don\'t pay for this. You have to volunteer if you want to do it."> I remembered that he worked as an Emergency Medical Technician for a major> ambulance company in New York and so I casually asked him if the firm paid> extra compensation for this extraordinarily difficult assignment.>> "Actually, " he said sheepishly, "they don\'t pay for this. You have to> volunteer if you want to do it." I started feeling very small next to this> truly generous man.>> "Well then, it\'s nice of them to at least give you the day off to allow> you to do something as amazing as this. ">> "They didn\'t. It\'s coming out of my vacation time." Generous didn\'t begin> to describe this guy.>> " You\'re kidding aren\'t you?" I incredulously asked.>> "It\'s no big deal. A few weeks ago, I had requested to take today off> anyway.">> " But how could you have known a few weeks ago that this patient would> need transporting precisely today?">> He chuckled, "Who knew? Tonight my wife and I are celebrating our 25th",1]
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> happen and if word got out, future missions like this could suffer. ">> As I looked deeply into his face I could plainly see rings of exhaustion> around his eyes. Reading my mind again he told me of the many hours of> careful preparation that took place before the patient could be brought on> board the plane. He had been awake many hours before dawn to prepare for> our late afternoon flight, and I obviously can't sleep during the flight,> he said sweeping his hand toward the EKG and respiration monitor.>> "How long do you get to stay in Israel?" I asked, figuring he'd take> advantage of the 'mission' to get at least a few days of R&R in sunny> Israel.>> "About nine hours," he smiled.> "They don't pay for this. You have to volunteer if you want to do it."> I remembered that he worked as an Emergency Medical Technician for a major> ambulance company in New York and so I casually asked him if the firm paid> extra compensation for this extraordinarily difficult assignment.>> "Actually, " he said sheepishly, "they don't pay for this. You have to> volunteer if you want to do it." I started feeling very small next to this> truly generous man.>> "Well then, it's nice of them to at least give you the day off to allow> you to do something as amazing as this. ">> "They didn't. It's coming out of my vacation time." Generous didn't begin> to describe this guy.>> " You're kidding aren't you?" I incredulously asked.>> "It's no big deal. A few weeks ago, I had requested to take today off> anyway.">> " But how could you have known a few weeks ago that this patient would> need transporting precisely today?">> He chuckled, "Who knew? Tonight my wife and I are celebrating our 25th
anniversary. Looking down at the floor of the plane he paused for> just a few seconds and said, We had plans to get away for the day.">> "So what happened to your plans?">> "When the opportunity arose to transport this patient, I mentioned it to> my wife and she thought my being here would make a terrific anniversary> gift for the two of us. ">> When our flight began its steep descent into Tel Aviv the stewardess'> voice rang out over the public address system and thanked everyone for> flying. She then apologized for the delay in take off due to our very> special passenger in the rear of the aircraft.>> She couldn't have known just how very special, indeed.

tiny dragons

There once was a bunch of tiny dragons in Chico,... ...who arranged a running competition.The goal was to reach the top of a very high building on the CHICO STATE CAMPUS.A big crowd had gathered around the building to see the race and cheer on the contestants...The race began...Honestly:No one in crowd really believed that the tiny breaded dragons would reach the top of the tower.You heard statements such as:"Oh, WAY too difficult!!""They will NEVER The tiny gugs began collapsing. One by one........ Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher....The crowd continued to yell,"It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"More tiny dragons got tired and gave up........But ONE continued higher and higher and higher...This one kept one eye on the top and the other on Fern and Paul his owners and wouldn't give up!At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny old "guy" was the only one who reached the top!THEN all of the other tiny lizards naturally wanted to know how this one old fart managed to do it?A judge asked the tiny dragon how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?It turned out...That the winner was DEAF!!!!The wisdom of this story is:Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic... .....because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!Always think of the power words have.Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!Therefore: ALWAYS be...POSITIVE!

And above all:Be DEAF when people tell YOU that you cannot fulfil your dreams!Always think:
I can do this!

"A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... "

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.

In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she smelled its rich aroma and took a sip.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity ... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do YOU handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

back in the day

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up. What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! You want to hear about hardship? We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

a century ago

Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905 one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home .

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.

Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.

According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years . it staggers the mind.

7 reasons not to mess with a child>>>

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.>>

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.>> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.>>

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".>>

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?">>

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".>>>>

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child\'s work.>>

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.>>

The girl replied, "I\'m drawing God.">>

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.">>

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."",

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.>>

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.>>

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God.">>

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.">>

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
>>>

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.>>

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?">> Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill.">>>>

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.>>

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?">>

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.">>

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma\'s hairs are white?">>>>

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.>>

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
> A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there\'s the teacher, She\'s dead.>>>>>>>>>>

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..">>

"Yes," the class said.>>

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn\'t run into my feet?">>

A little fellow shouted,>>

"Cause your feet ain\'t empty.">>>>

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:>>

"Take only ONE. God is watching.">>

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.>>

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
>>>

It doesn\'t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too

this is a cool story

PLEASE BE PATIENT, AND READ TO END.>> Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous> for> anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in> everything> from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.>> Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good> reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering> kept Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his appreciation, Capone> paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also Eddie got special> dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion> with> live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so> large> that it filled an entire Chicago City block.>> Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration> to the atrocities that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot,> however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young> son had the best of everything: clothes cars and a good education. Nothing> was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with> organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie> wanted his son to be a better man than he was.>> Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't> give his son; he couldn't> pass on a good name and a good example.>> One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to
> tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name and> offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to> testify against The Mob, and! he knew that the cost would be great. So, he> testified.>> Within the year, Easy Eddie\'s life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely> Chicago Street. But in> his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the> greatest price he would ever> pay.>> Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious> medallion> and a poem clipped> from a magazine.The poem read: The clock of life is wound but once and no> man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop at late or early> hour. Now is the only time you own.> Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may> soon> be still.

>>> -----STORY NUMBER TWO:>>>

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander> Butch O\'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier> Lexington in the South Pacific.>> One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne,> he> looked at his fuel> gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He> would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his> ship.> His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.>> Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As> he> was returning to the> mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold, a squadron of> Japanese aircraft were> speeding their way toward the American fleet.>> The American fighters were gone on a mission and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.> There> was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.>> Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation> of> Japanese planes, Wing-mounted 50 caliber\'s blazed as he charge in,> attacking> one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the> now> broken formation and fired at as many planes as> possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.>> Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip> a> wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and> rendering them unfit to fly. Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron> took> off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch> O\'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.>> Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.> The film from the> gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of> Butch\'s daring attempt to> protect his fleet. He had in fact destroyed five enemy aircraft.>> This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the> Navy\'s first Ace of> W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of> Honor.> A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home> town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today,> O\'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great> man.>> So the next time you find yourself at O\'Hare International, give some> thought to visiting> Butch\'s memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It\'s> located> between Terminals 1 and 2.

>> SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?>> Butch O\'Hare was Easy Eddie\'s son>>>>>",0]

>