shtark jokes from bangitout.com

Mohel Store
A man was once walking and noticed a little store with a bunch of watches and clocks hanging in the window. The man walked in and said "Can you please fix my watch ?" The Guy behind the couter quickly responded "Sorry but I don't repair watches." The confused customer said back, "YOU DON'T REPAIR WATCHES?? WHAT DO YOU DO??" "I'm a Mohel"Now even more confused the man asked, "If you are a Mohel, then why do you have watches hanging in the store front???" "What do you want me to put in the window?"

Married to god
Three of the holiest nuns in Vatican City decided that they wanted to get married to their lord, Jesus. So the pope decided it would be appropo to have an elaborate ceremony to celebrate such a magical an uplifting event. As the ceremony is got under way, 3 Chassidim suddenly walked into the cathedral and took a seat all the way in the front. The pope went over to them and said, "No offense to you gentlemen, I do not have anything against people of your faith, however; I am just curious as to what are you doing here?? If I came into synagogue on Yom Kippur, you would certainly ask me the same thing!! They all look up and the one in the middle with a long red beard answered, “We are on the groom's side.”

Circumcisions
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for? "The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. "I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze. The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born........Couldn't walk for a year."

Beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none gives to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Jewish Parking and Prayer
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays..."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says "Don't bother G-d, I've just found one...."

Mr. Maykil (Lenient)
There was a man who spent his entire life looking for kulahs (leniencies) in all aspects of halacha (Jewish law) - whatever it was, he would search around until he found a rabbi who had a more lenient opinion he could rely on.
After 120 years, he came up to the gates of Shamayim. Hashem looked at the man's life record and said, "Well, you certainly did everything I asked of you. Angels, please take this man straight to Gan Eden!" (Garden of Eden)
The angels escorted the ecstatic man straight into the gates of heaven and brought him into a small room. But when they arrived, all there was in the room was a dark, damp cell, a table, and one small candle! The man was shocked and quickly looked angels and asked in horror, "This is Heaven???"
The angels looked at him and said "According to some opinions."